my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize