do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
