everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
We need to get me chipped asap
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
