we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
