a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
