Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
