no one should ever give us hovercrafts
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
