Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
