Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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