Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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