i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
