I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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