did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
