and next time when you feel me up, do it right
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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