You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Randomize
