forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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