So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
