i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize