needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
