No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
