You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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