so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
