I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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