Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
