i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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