Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
