you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
My underwear smells like fireworks.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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