You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
