Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize