I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
