Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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