this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
