She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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