Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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