I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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