Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
