just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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