Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
