I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize