The beer is more important than you right now.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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