my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
