take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
