My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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