they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
This baby is an asshole
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
