1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
