i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
