Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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