And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
