I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
