Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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