I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
