it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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