I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
