He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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