So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
You ate ashes out of my bong
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
