Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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