I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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